I don't know what to do

I don't know what to do. In the beginning, I was constantly feeling scared, feeling sad, crying, being pro-active by reading up books on chemotherapy, radiation, side effects etc etc.

Now I am constantly watching tv shows. I watch everything and anything. I'm either sitting down or lying down ... when I wake up, while I eat, while I drink, while I take naps ... I feel like the routine has gone back to normal for Mom. She's doing the same things (basically) as she was before. I'm not doing anything for her at all. I'm too busy trying hard not to have a moment to think about what's going on.

We've already had several more visitors, some who've come by more than once. They always bring something. My aunt has already come by with "healthy" food, with expensive gadgets and expensive medicine that she's been recommended by other people. I've seen people come and give their own advice about various things. I've seen someone come and give pretty much a "lecture" or low-down about how to eat healthy and how to beat cancer using healthy foods and living a healthy life.

This is while I'm in my room watching tv shows. I don't like to sit with strangers who come to my house to lecture or check up on my mom.

I know I have to prepare ... learn to make the kinds of foods I know she can eat when she's on medication. Stop. I'm getting pretty nervous that she won't get chemo ... she seems to believe in radiation therapy but she's really against chemo and furthermore, there are people coming here telling her that chemo is bad - those health christian people. F me if they've convinced her not to take proper treatment!

I know I also have to start making a list of things I know I should be doing on a regular basis so that she doesn't have to stress or worry or think about them - like laundry, like cleaning (this house is way to freakin' big), like taking out the trash ... it doesn't help me that she worries and stresses about EVERY FREAKING LITTLE THING IN THE WORLD. Things that are not even her own problem she stresses about it.

I've become moody. I can already feel it. I just don't know what to do. I don't have specific answers from the doctors. I don't know what I'm suppose to do when all these strangers come to the house. I don't know what she's going to need or feel when the treatments begin. I don't even know when the treatment is going to begin.

All the while, I have time to think about how I STILL feel like my life is in LIMBO. It's so FRUSTRATING to always have to feel like I'm waiting for my life to begin. I know I'm going to be devastated if I find out that I didn't pass the bar. I just don't know how I'm going to study for the bar again starting December when Mom is still doing her treatments and I have to take her to the hospital every day. I know that if I have to, I will but its still such a daunting ghost just constantly hovering over me.

I watch these tv shows and its almost like I'm living my life through the characters that come alive on my screen ... I feel so selfish feeling sorry and bad for myself when my mom has cancer. I feel terrible ...

I just need some solid answers ... and I just need some solid things to do right now ... this lingering around, waiting for things, for answers ... this constant state of being in limbo is really killing me.

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