Day 3

Pre - day 1: Wednesday

I couldn't go to sleep for some reason. I tossed and turned all night. Of course I didn't know why but I have to wonder if I knew somehow subconsciously or divinely or randomly that I was about to get some horrifying news

Day 1: Thursday

I take my mom to the hospital to act as a translator between the white doctor and her regarding her biopsy of a mass they found in her nose. There was nothing to prepare me nor her for the news: Nasopharyngeal Carcinoma - cancer. She looks at me for a second and says "WHAT?" I clearly haven't processed the news because I look at her and say "its cancer" as if I'm telling her what time it was or what I ate for lunch.

The doctor who is a 1st or 2nd year resident is trying to explain to us that it is not a death sentence, that she needs radiation and chemo and another CT scan to make sure that it has not metastasized - or spread, that she has over 80% to be cured (put delicately as it means % to live and not die) over a 5 year span at this point unless the CT scan shows more tumors.

I'm composed, I ask questions - how long is the treatment, what's the next step, what does she need to do. I don't remember some of the answers he gave me even though I feel like I paid a lot of attention.

After about 20 minutes after the news is given to us, I start panicking. Of course I can't show tears or any kind of alarm in front of her. I merely tell her, "this is pretty scary." She of course can't show that she's weak so she tells me, "what's so scary, its not like i'm going to die tomorrow - everyone who is born, dies."

I just nod my head and desperately try to keep a straight face.

We get in the car and now it looks like she's having a hard time holding back her tears ... she has to have been panicking. It's every day that someone tells you that you have cancer and on top of that, give you some average percentage of the possibility of you living past 5 years. Death is much closer than you thought and how can you not panic?

I come home ... I don't even know what to say or do. She goes back to work ... probably best that she has something to do. I start my research on google.com. I'd rather know than not know. I clean things so she doesn't have to clean but probably more because I don't know what else to do. I watch my tv shows and I'm able to forget just for moments.

Day 2 - Friday

I wake up ... she has already gone to work early in the morning. I get up and I'm doing the same thing I did yesterday afternoon. I don't know what to do with myself.

She comes home around 2pm after work. She's watching her tv shows and we're all just in our rooms doing the same ol things. I don't know what to say. I don't even know how to look at her without bursting into tears. It's like we're almost pretending that we don't know.

He (dad) comes into my room at 10pm in tears. He says he doesn't know what to do. He says he can't let her see him like this because he has to give her strength, not sorrow.

Aunt calls later that night, wakes her up. She talks with her.

Later, they tell me of their future plans, possible plans and asks for my opinion regarding treatment. She doesn't want to get chemo or radiation because of how weak it'll make her. She wants to go to Korea as planned instead of starting treatment immediately. It looks like she'll be changing her mind soon however and I am thankful for that.

Day 3 - Saturday

We get our first sympathy visitor. I don't say that in a mean or condescending way. It is what it is. My uncle and aunt - my dad's brother. My mom doesn't have any brothers or sisters in CA. I did tell her sister in NY though through my bff cousin. I hope she comes and visits soon and gives my mom some comfort.

Aunt and uncle come and gives natural fruits from their garden ... they are big proponents of naturally grown food with no artifical preservatives or any chemicals. They start talking to me about how difficult its going to be but how I have to be strong and cheerful. I have to believe that its going to be ok and that she's going to beat it just fine.

This is what its like to have a cancer patient in the family.

And the day is not over yet ...

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