Being productive helps

Being productive helps. Being proactive about what needs to be done helps.

Spent the afternoon unloading a huge load of fire wood that dad brought from our 80 acres of land. Our family enjoys a real fire during the winter time where we kind of hang out in the room with the fire together. It's nice and toasty and my mom really enjoys that. So we spent a couple of hours unloading the fire wood and cutting it with a wood splitter and stacking them high up in the backyard. While I felt dizzy and light-headed from exercise after not doing anything for a while, it felt so good to be doing something even if it was slightly "painful."

I'm careful to say "painful" anymore. No more whining to her about how I have a fever blister or how my head hurts. This is nothing compared what she has to go through.

I'm having trouble finding publication about what I need to do to get the house and people ready for a radiation/chemo patient in the house. For example, one rule is that everyone in the family must wash their hands constantly - 20 seconds of soap before rinsing. Another thing is that if anyone is feeling sick, they must wear a mask and stay away from her - better if they stayed with a friend. If anybody finds a useful website with this kind of information, please let me know.

I'm having trouble starting my bar prep studying again. I've decided to start with the worst subject which might be a mistake (real property). It's so dull and boring and I hate the subject. I might have to start with something more fun, but the fun subjects are easier and therefore should save for later. Whatever, I will manage somehow. I'll start with present and future interests and memorize them again.

I'm having trouble finding enough things to occupy my time with. I find myself just lying in silence on my bed so many times. I take naps a lot - probably a coping mechanism since I'd rather be unconscious than have to think about this.

I'm happy to announce that she's pretty much decided to give up going to Korea and instead start the chemo/radiation therapy as soon as possible. I'm thankful for that. While she really wanted to go to Korea to visit her mother's grave because she was unable to attend her funeral, I find that this is much more important. Grandma - dad's mom - 80th birthday celebration has been cancelled although I'm not sure when they're going to tell her. They're afraid she's going to go into shock.

The phone calls to the house are starting to get really annoying. She says it's really starting to stress her out so I'll be picking up the calls and making excuses for her. It's hard to keep having to tell people the same things over and over again since each person that calls knows nothing.

I'm not ready to talk to anyone in person or on the phone. I'm better expressing my thoughts through words through email. Probably why I never pick up the phone - that and I have horrible reception at my house. Promise.

It's 8:30pm now ... I just keep watching the same shows over and over again. Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, Harry Potter, Star Trek TNG, Anne of Green Gable Series. I don't know how else to pass time right now. Those shows and movies are comforting ... they are my comfort movies and shows, ones that I watch when I'm feeling down. It's comfortable ...

13th doctor's appointment is coming up. I'm eager to find out what's going to happen. I have to go of course to translate and to ask the appropriate questions although she has done a lot of research on Korean websites. I can't wait to figure out what the real game plan is. I need some real answers. I am also eager to know if the CT scan will show any more tumors in her lungs. I hope that it has not spread anywhere else. Hope!

I hope I can fall asleep soon

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