We had a meeting today with the therapist that gives speech, mouth, jaw, neck etc etc therapy. It looks like they are particularly for patients who are receiving radiation treatment on their face and neck area. She was very informative as to what we can expect specifically because of the radiation treatment - the effect specifically to her mouth, jaw, and throat. She gave us examples of exercises that can try to help lessen long-term side effect.
I can still see my Mom struggling to accept the fact that she has to have chemo-radiation therapy. She is really against it and its hard to keep convincing her. Today she was saying how she wanted to delay treatment for 3 months to see if her "natural," and "NEW START" therapy will just shrink the tumor and make it go away.
I am completely NOT convinced that she should take that risk. True, the chemo-radiation therapy doesn't guarantee that the tumor will go away but without any of these modern medical treatments, she has a greater risk that the tumor will spread to her brain and kill her within 1 month to a year. The bottom line - it is way too risky and I am one to play it safe. It is better to take the less riskier route.
In other news, we got a really suspicious call from the radiation doctor the other day ... something about something lighting up in one of her scans in her ovaries or something? Unfortunately, Mom took the call and didn't bother to hand me the phone so she didn't understand nor catch everything the doctor said. However, she did understand that they will run more scans and tests on her to check on it - it, whatever it was. SO FRUSTRATING.
Lastly, the finalized chemo-radiation therapy has been given to us. Instead of starting on November 9th, she'll be starting on the 16th ... It's radiation every day for about 7 weeks ... Chemo the first monday, the second monday, the fourth and fifth monday.
Next: Meeting with the speech therapist on Tuesday and meeting with the Chemo-therapist on Wednesday.
In other news, congratulations Kristin! A baby girl, I am so excited for you! Can't wait!
--
Friday, October 30, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Update: Simulation with the radiation therapy people
We went to the Cancer Center yesterday to get the results of the PET scan and the MRI.
GREAT NEWS. Apparently, the original tumor is smaller than they originally thought. However, there is a questionable "node" that is about .8 centimeters that "lit up" on one of the scans on the back of her neck. They do not know if its cancer however, they are going to treat it as if it was and radiate it at a higher dose than the rest of her neck.
It's official - the date for her radiation will start 11/9 - 5 days a week for 7 weeks straight. We will be meeting with the chemotherapist on Friday to figure out her chemo schedule and treatment plan.
She received another CAT scan and the doctors made a MOLD for her face during the simulations. She has to put in this 'mouth-guard' type during the radiation treatment and be under the MOLD of her face, neck and upper chest area. It's designed to prevent any movement so that the machine can get exactly the tumor and nothing else.
Official stage of Mom's cancer: T1N1 = Stage 2B.
I can't help but feel so relieved and happy. I think she was very relieved and happy to hear that it has not spread to her brain or to her lungs. We are all ecstatic about that - enough to be high-fiving in the doctor's room!
--
GREAT NEWS. Apparently, the original tumor is smaller than they originally thought. However, there is a questionable "node" that is about .8 centimeters that "lit up" on one of the scans on the back of her neck. They do not know if its cancer however, they are going to treat it as if it was and radiate it at a higher dose than the rest of her neck.
It's official - the date for her radiation will start 11/9 - 5 days a week for 7 weeks straight. We will be meeting with the chemotherapist on Friday to figure out her chemo schedule and treatment plan.
She received another CAT scan and the doctors made a MOLD for her face during the simulations. She has to put in this 'mouth-guard' type during the radiation treatment and be under the MOLD of her face, neck and upper chest area. It's designed to prevent any movement so that the machine can get exactly the tumor and nothing else.
Official stage of Mom's cancer: T1N1 = Stage 2B.
I can't help but feel so relieved and happy. I think she was very relieved and happy to hear that it has not spread to her brain or to her lungs. We are all ecstatic about that - enough to be high-fiving in the doctor's room!
--
Monday, October 26, 2009
I don't know what to do
I don't know what to do. In the beginning, I was constantly feeling scared, feeling sad, crying, being pro-active by reading up books on chemotherapy, radiation, side effects etc etc.
Now I am constantly watching tv shows. I watch everything and anything. I'm either sitting down or lying down ... when I wake up, while I eat, while I drink, while I take naps ... I feel like the routine has gone back to normal for Mom. She's doing the same things (basically) as she was before. I'm not doing anything for her at all. I'm too busy trying hard not to have a moment to think about what's going on.
We've already had several more visitors, some who've come by more than once. They always bring something. My aunt has already come by with "healthy" food, with expensive gadgets and expensive medicine that she's been recommended by other people. I've seen people come and give their own advice about various things. I've seen someone come and give pretty much a "lecture" or low-down about how to eat healthy and how to beat cancer using healthy foods and living a healthy life.
This is while I'm in my room watching tv shows. I don't like to sit with strangers who come to my house to lecture or check up on my mom.
I know I have to prepare ... learn to make the kinds of foods I know she can eat when she's on medication. Stop. I'm getting pretty nervous that she won't get chemo ... she seems to believe in radiation therapy but she's really against chemo and furthermore, there are people coming here telling her that chemo is bad - those health christian people. F me if they've convinced her not to take proper treatment!
I know I also have to start making a list of things I know I should be doing on a regular basis so that she doesn't have to stress or worry or think about them - like laundry, like cleaning (this house is way to freakin' big), like taking out the trash ... it doesn't help me that she worries and stresses about EVERY FREAKING LITTLE THING IN THE WORLD. Things that are not even her own problem she stresses about it.
I've become moody. I can already feel it. I just don't know what to do. I don't have specific answers from the doctors. I don't know what I'm suppose to do when all these strangers come to the house. I don't know what she's going to need or feel when the treatments begin. I don't even know when the treatment is going to begin.
All the while, I have time to think about how I STILL feel like my life is in LIMBO. It's so FRUSTRATING to always have to feel like I'm waiting for my life to begin. I know I'm going to be devastated if I find out that I didn't pass the bar. I just don't know how I'm going to study for the bar again starting December when Mom is still doing her treatments and I have to take her to the hospital every day. I know that if I have to, I will but its still such a daunting ghost just constantly hovering over me.
I watch these tv shows and its almost like I'm living my life through the characters that come alive on my screen ... I feel so selfish feeling sorry and bad for myself when my mom has cancer. I feel terrible ...
I just need some solid answers ... and I just need some solid things to do right now ... this lingering around, waiting for things, for answers ... this constant state of being in limbo is really killing me.
--
Now I am constantly watching tv shows. I watch everything and anything. I'm either sitting down or lying down ... when I wake up, while I eat, while I drink, while I take naps ... I feel like the routine has gone back to normal for Mom. She's doing the same things (basically) as she was before. I'm not doing anything for her at all. I'm too busy trying hard not to have a moment to think about what's going on.
We've already had several more visitors, some who've come by more than once. They always bring something. My aunt has already come by with "healthy" food, with expensive gadgets and expensive medicine that she's been recommended by other people. I've seen people come and give their own advice about various things. I've seen someone come and give pretty much a "lecture" or low-down about how to eat healthy and how to beat cancer using healthy foods and living a healthy life.
This is while I'm in my room watching tv shows. I don't like to sit with strangers who come to my house to lecture or check up on my mom.
I know I have to prepare ... learn to make the kinds of foods I know she can eat when she's on medication. Stop. I'm getting pretty nervous that she won't get chemo ... she seems to believe in radiation therapy but she's really against chemo and furthermore, there are people coming here telling her that chemo is bad - those health christian people. F me if they've convinced her not to take proper treatment!
I know I also have to start making a list of things I know I should be doing on a regular basis so that she doesn't have to stress or worry or think about them - like laundry, like cleaning (this house is way to freakin' big), like taking out the trash ... it doesn't help me that she worries and stresses about EVERY FREAKING LITTLE THING IN THE WORLD. Things that are not even her own problem she stresses about it.
I've become moody. I can already feel it. I just don't know what to do. I don't have specific answers from the doctors. I don't know what I'm suppose to do when all these strangers come to the house. I don't know what she's going to need or feel when the treatments begin. I don't even know when the treatment is going to begin.
All the while, I have time to think about how I STILL feel like my life is in LIMBO. It's so FRUSTRATING to always have to feel like I'm waiting for my life to begin. I know I'm going to be devastated if I find out that I didn't pass the bar. I just don't know how I'm going to study for the bar again starting December when Mom is still doing her treatments and I have to take her to the hospital every day. I know that if I have to, I will but its still such a daunting ghost just constantly hovering over me.
I watch these tv shows and its almost like I'm living my life through the characters that come alive on my screen ... I feel so selfish feeling sorry and bad for myself when my mom has cancer. I feel terrible ...
I just need some solid answers ... and I just need some solid things to do right now ... this lingering around, waiting for things, for answers ... this constant state of being in limbo is really killing me.
--
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Meeting with the Radiologist for a Consultation
Yesterday we went to the cancer center for the first time and met with our doctors for the prognosis and treatment plan. While the previous doctors staged her at late 1 - beginning stage two, this doctor told us an estimated guess of a stage 3. I was super frustrated with them for this mistake or whatever it is. How can she jump from a stage 1 to a stage 3 based on the same information that they have.
The results from her chest CT scans came back - she has tiny nodules in there which may or may not be cancer. The doctors seem to think that they are NOT but they have ordered additional scans - a PET scan to see in "high definition" what the nodules are in her lungs and an MRI to check to see if the tumor has penetrated any of her brain or any other vital organs near her nose.
I'm super frustrated because, yes while the doctors are humans, don't fucking tell me what stage they think its in if they don't know what the hell they're talking about. The previous doctor should not have told us anything since he's a head - nose - ears surgeon. He doesn't know what the hell he's talking about. He should have left it for the radiologist/cancer specialist to tell us. I feel so misinformed and I had counted and relied on the fact that her cancer stage was in the early/beginning stages. Stage 3 is LATE and therefore has a much decrease in the statistics as far as survival rates for 5 years go. This is ridiculous.
Another ridiculous thing - order all the fucking tests that you know you're going to need. This is the 3rd round of tests that has been ordered for her. Once they found a tumor in her nose and diagnosed it as nasopharyngeal carcinoma, they should have automatically ordered the PET scan and the MRI - AT LEAST the MRI. They know the tendencies for the tumor to be more localized right? So fucking order all your tests at once so you know the whole story and picture before you tell us to come in for a consultation to tell us, "sorry, we don't know what exact stage you're in ... sorry but you have to do more tests because we don't exactly have the full picture yet."
The treatment plan - well, the doctors say that the general treatment is chemo/radiotherapy. Because they have to wait until they get the PET scan and the MRI done. However, generally, radiation is given to the tumor in her nose and on both sides of her neck. Even though there are no tumors in her neck, the doctor says he is 99% sure that there are cancer cells there because this cancer moves to the neck and the lymph nodes there - its just the way it travels. And to make sure that there is on re-occurrence after treatment, it is better to just radiate and treat the neck as well. Furthermore, chemo is supposedly given 3 times during the 7 weeks of radiation: once every 2 weeks.
Mom was so depressed after we came back - this morning it looks like she still is pretty upset. She really didn't want chemotherapy. She also didn't expect that her neck has to be radiated since there was nothing there - or at least the previous doctors told her there was nothing there. However, since this doctor thinks most likely there are cancer cells there + he's now saying that her heck is "questionable" as to whether or not that there are any cancer cells there - the radiation to the neck is appropriate.
Radiation to the neck = mouth sores, no saliva, sore throat - to the point that a feeding tube is recommended. Mom was really hoping that she wouldn't get those symptoms. She says that if she can't eat, how is she suppose to stay strong. She was so upset that she started attacking me (with words) when I tried to tell her that its going to be ok. It was a little bit shocking since she's never really done that before to me. I almost started crying, but I (with much difficulty) let it go.
While before, she has had such a positive mind, this news yesterday has really crushed her spirits. While before, I didn't feel like the need to ask friends and family to call her to come visit, bring her food or to entertain or talk with her - I think she might really start needing it. Her depression yesterday was shocking and overwhelming.
While I was displeased with the way that the doctors have been running the show so far - probably because they told us it was cancer, not that they are particularly doing anything wrong or bad ... our radiation doctor is someone I feel like I like. He is patient, knowledgeable, and ready to answer any questions we might have. He's very calm, gentle and soft spoken. He's also Asian so my parents automatically had a good attitude towards him. Oh Asians!
It should be about 2 - 3 weeks before the actual treatment begins.
Next: MRI scan on Thursday
Next: MRI results and another consultation and simulation of radiotherapy on Tuesday
--
The results from her chest CT scans came back - she has tiny nodules in there which may or may not be cancer. The doctors seem to think that they are NOT but they have ordered additional scans - a PET scan to see in "high definition" what the nodules are in her lungs and an MRI to check to see if the tumor has penetrated any of her brain or any other vital organs near her nose.
I'm super frustrated because, yes while the doctors are humans, don't fucking tell me what stage they think its in if they don't know what the hell they're talking about. The previous doctor should not have told us anything since he's a head - nose - ears surgeon. He doesn't know what the hell he's talking about. He should have left it for the radiologist/cancer specialist to tell us. I feel so misinformed and I had counted and relied on the fact that her cancer stage was in the early/beginning stages. Stage 3 is LATE and therefore has a much decrease in the statistics as far as survival rates for 5 years go. This is ridiculous.
Another ridiculous thing - order all the fucking tests that you know you're going to need. This is the 3rd round of tests that has been ordered for her. Once they found a tumor in her nose and diagnosed it as nasopharyngeal carcinoma, they should have automatically ordered the PET scan and the MRI - AT LEAST the MRI. They know the tendencies for the tumor to be more localized right? So fucking order all your tests at once so you know the whole story and picture before you tell us to come in for a consultation to tell us, "sorry, we don't know what exact stage you're in ... sorry but you have to do more tests because we don't exactly have the full picture yet."
The treatment plan - well, the doctors say that the general treatment is chemo/radiotherapy. Because they have to wait until they get the PET scan and the MRI done. However, generally, radiation is given to the tumor in her nose and on both sides of her neck. Even though there are no tumors in her neck, the doctor says he is 99% sure that there are cancer cells there because this cancer moves to the neck and the lymph nodes there - its just the way it travels. And to make sure that there is on re-occurrence after treatment, it is better to just radiate and treat the neck as well. Furthermore, chemo is supposedly given 3 times during the 7 weeks of radiation: once every 2 weeks.
Mom was so depressed after we came back - this morning it looks like she still is pretty upset. She really didn't want chemotherapy. She also didn't expect that her neck has to be radiated since there was nothing there - or at least the previous doctors told her there was nothing there. However, since this doctor thinks most likely there are cancer cells there + he's now saying that her heck is "questionable" as to whether or not that there are any cancer cells there - the radiation to the neck is appropriate.
Radiation to the neck = mouth sores, no saliva, sore throat - to the point that a feeding tube is recommended. Mom was really hoping that she wouldn't get those symptoms. She says that if she can't eat, how is she suppose to stay strong. She was so upset that she started attacking me (with words) when I tried to tell her that its going to be ok. It was a little bit shocking since she's never really done that before to me. I almost started crying, but I (with much difficulty) let it go.
While before, she has had such a positive mind, this news yesterday has really crushed her spirits. While before, I didn't feel like the need to ask friends and family to call her to come visit, bring her food or to entertain or talk with her - I think she might really start needing it. Her depression yesterday was shocking and overwhelming.
While I was displeased with the way that the doctors have been running the show so far - probably because they told us it was cancer, not that they are particularly doing anything wrong or bad ... our radiation doctor is someone I feel like I like. He is patient, knowledgeable, and ready to answer any questions we might have. He's very calm, gentle and soft spoken. He's also Asian so my parents automatically had a good attitude towards him. Oh Asians!
It should be about 2 - 3 weeks before the actual treatment begins.
Next: MRI scan on Thursday
Next: MRI results and another consultation and simulation of radiotherapy on Tuesday
--
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Consultation with the Otolaryngology Doctor and a CT scan
Update:
So yesterday we had our consultation with the otlaryngology doctor (I believe it means an eyes, nose ears doctor). A waste of time if you ask me. He didn't tell us anything new - not that I expected him to be able to tell us anything new. He did manage to frighten Mom with his grim opinion regarding the side affects of chemo and radiation.
On the plus side, he characterized Mom's cancer at late stage I, early stage II. This is however only based on the CT scan of her head.
Afterwards, we went to the main hospital to get a CT scan of her chest. Usually, nasopharyngeal carcinoma goes from the nose to the neck and then down to the lungs. However, because there is a small chance that it can skip the neck and go down directly to the lunges, the doctors ordered another CT scan to make sure nothing is down there.
While I do hope that there's nothing in there in the lungs, I can't help but dread that there is and that this is not a stage I or stage II but rather a stage III or stage IV (when cancer has spread). I did get a glimpse of her CT scan on the computer yesterday, but that was a bad idea as I saw lots of black and white and darkened areas which of course I think they're all tumors because I have no idea what I'm looking at. I must take the image out of my mind!
The doctor said that at this point, it is quite possible that she only needs radiation rather than both radiation and chemo. She's praying that she only needs radiation as chemotherapy only makes all the side affects so much more severe. Mom says she's afraid of the pain ... not afraid of death.
I never realized how scared she was of needles. I couldn't help but laugh and tease her as the CT scanning person injected a dye into her system. Her arm was literally shaking and she was all "little kid like" saying she's scared and nervously/hysterically laughing. It was quite comical unfortunately for her. But at least it kept things light-hearted for the moment.
Never knew what cancer really meant. Now it looks like we have a family history of cancers especially on my mom side. We don't know anything about the family history on my dad's side because all his parent's family is in North Korea and they have not had any contact with them since my grandparents (my dad's parents) came to south Korea a long long time ago. This means that my sisters and I have that much more chance of getting cancer ... which is a scary prospect.
I've had a little bit of time facing the prospect of death of an immediate family member. It's a real life-moving experience and thoughts ... that's for sure.
Next: Meeting/Consultation with the radiologist who will have the results from the chest CT and a treatment plan (hopefully) - Monday October 19th.
--
So yesterday we had our consultation with the otlaryngology doctor (I believe it means an eyes, nose ears doctor). A waste of time if you ask me. He didn't tell us anything new - not that I expected him to be able to tell us anything new. He did manage to frighten Mom with his grim opinion regarding the side affects of chemo and radiation.
On the plus side, he characterized Mom's cancer at late stage I, early stage II. This is however only based on the CT scan of her head.
Afterwards, we went to the main hospital to get a CT scan of her chest. Usually, nasopharyngeal carcinoma goes from the nose to the neck and then down to the lungs. However, because there is a small chance that it can skip the neck and go down directly to the lunges, the doctors ordered another CT scan to make sure nothing is down there.
While I do hope that there's nothing in there in the lungs, I can't help but dread that there is and that this is not a stage I or stage II but rather a stage III or stage IV (when cancer has spread). I did get a glimpse of her CT scan on the computer yesterday, but that was a bad idea as I saw lots of black and white and darkened areas which of course I think they're all tumors because I have no idea what I'm looking at. I must take the image out of my mind!
The doctor said that at this point, it is quite possible that she only needs radiation rather than both radiation and chemo. She's praying that she only needs radiation as chemotherapy only makes all the side affects so much more severe. Mom says she's afraid of the pain ... not afraid of death.
I never realized how scared she was of needles. I couldn't help but laugh and tease her as the CT scanning person injected a dye into her system. Her arm was literally shaking and she was all "little kid like" saying she's scared and nervously/hysterically laughing. It was quite comical unfortunately for her. But at least it kept things light-hearted for the moment.
Never knew what cancer really meant. Now it looks like we have a family history of cancers especially on my mom side. We don't know anything about the family history on my dad's side because all his parent's family is in North Korea and they have not had any contact with them since my grandparents (my dad's parents) came to south Korea a long long time ago. This means that my sisters and I have that much more chance of getting cancer ... which is a scary prospect.
I've had a little bit of time facing the prospect of death of an immediate family member. It's a real life-moving experience and thoughts ... that's for sure.
Next: Meeting/Consultation with the radiologist who will have the results from the chest CT and a treatment plan (hopefully) - Monday October 19th.
--
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Being productive helps
Being productive helps. Being proactive about what needs to be done helps.
Spent the afternoon unloading a huge load of fire wood that dad brought from our 80 acres of land. Our family enjoys a real fire during the winter time where we kind of hang out in the room with the fire together. It's nice and toasty and my mom really enjoys that. So we spent a couple of hours unloading the fire wood and cutting it with a wood splitter and stacking them high up in the backyard. While I felt dizzy and light-headed from exercise after not doing anything for a while, it felt so good to be doing something even if it was slightly "painful."
I'm careful to say "painful" anymore. No more whining to her about how I have a fever blister or how my head hurts. This is nothing compared what she has to go through.
I'm having trouble finding publication about what I need to do to get the house and people ready for a radiation/chemo patient in the house. For example, one rule is that everyone in the family must wash their hands constantly - 20 seconds of soap before rinsing. Another thing is that if anyone is feeling sick, they must wear a mask and stay away from her - better if they stayed with a friend. If anybody finds a useful website with this kind of information, please let me know.
I'm having trouble starting my bar prep studying again. I've decided to start with the worst subject which might be a mistake (real property). It's so dull and boring and I hate the subject. I might have to start with something more fun, but the fun subjects are easier and therefore should save for later. Whatever, I will manage somehow. I'll start with present and future interests and memorize them again.
I'm having trouble finding enough things to occupy my time with. I find myself just lying in silence on my bed so many times. I take naps a lot - probably a coping mechanism since I'd rather be unconscious than have to think about this.
I'm happy to announce that she's pretty much decided to give up going to Korea and instead start the chemo/radiation therapy as soon as possible. I'm thankful for that. While she really wanted to go to Korea to visit her mother's grave because she was unable to attend her funeral, I find that this is much more important. Grandma - dad's mom - 80th birthday celebration has been cancelled although I'm not sure when they're going to tell her. They're afraid she's going to go into shock.
The phone calls to the house are starting to get really annoying. She says it's really starting to stress her out so I'll be picking up the calls and making excuses for her. It's hard to keep having to tell people the same things over and over again since each person that calls knows nothing.
I'm not ready to talk to anyone in person or on the phone. I'm better expressing my thoughts through words through email. Probably why I never pick up the phone - that and I have horrible reception at my house. Promise.
It's 8:30pm now ... I just keep watching the same shows over and over again. Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, Harry Potter, Star Trek TNG, Anne of Green Gable Series. I don't know how else to pass time right now. Those shows and movies are comforting ... they are my comfort movies and shows, ones that I watch when I'm feeling down. It's comfortable ...
13th doctor's appointment is coming up. I'm eager to find out what's going to happen. I have to go of course to translate and to ask the appropriate questions although she has done a lot of research on Korean websites. I can't wait to figure out what the real game plan is. I need some real answers. I am also eager to know if the CT scan will show any more tumors in her lungs. I hope that it has not spread anywhere else. Hope!
I hope I can fall asleep soon
--
Spent the afternoon unloading a huge load of fire wood that dad brought from our 80 acres of land. Our family enjoys a real fire during the winter time where we kind of hang out in the room with the fire together. It's nice and toasty and my mom really enjoys that. So we spent a couple of hours unloading the fire wood and cutting it with a wood splitter and stacking them high up in the backyard. While I felt dizzy and light-headed from exercise after not doing anything for a while, it felt so good to be doing something even if it was slightly "painful."
I'm careful to say "painful" anymore. No more whining to her about how I have a fever blister or how my head hurts. This is nothing compared what she has to go through.
I'm having trouble finding publication about what I need to do to get the house and people ready for a radiation/chemo patient in the house. For example, one rule is that everyone in the family must wash their hands constantly - 20 seconds of soap before rinsing. Another thing is that if anyone is feeling sick, they must wear a mask and stay away from her - better if they stayed with a friend. If anybody finds a useful website with this kind of information, please let me know.
I'm having trouble starting my bar prep studying again. I've decided to start with the worst subject which might be a mistake (real property). It's so dull and boring and I hate the subject. I might have to start with something more fun, but the fun subjects are easier and therefore should save for later. Whatever, I will manage somehow. I'll start with present and future interests and memorize them again.
I'm having trouble finding enough things to occupy my time with. I find myself just lying in silence on my bed so many times. I take naps a lot - probably a coping mechanism since I'd rather be unconscious than have to think about this.
I'm happy to announce that she's pretty much decided to give up going to Korea and instead start the chemo/radiation therapy as soon as possible. I'm thankful for that. While she really wanted to go to Korea to visit her mother's grave because she was unable to attend her funeral, I find that this is much more important. Grandma - dad's mom - 80th birthday celebration has been cancelled although I'm not sure when they're going to tell her. They're afraid she's going to go into shock.
The phone calls to the house are starting to get really annoying. She says it's really starting to stress her out so I'll be picking up the calls and making excuses for her. It's hard to keep having to tell people the same things over and over again since each person that calls knows nothing.
I'm not ready to talk to anyone in person or on the phone. I'm better expressing my thoughts through words through email. Probably why I never pick up the phone - that and I have horrible reception at my house. Promise.
It's 8:30pm now ... I just keep watching the same shows over and over again. Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, Harry Potter, Star Trek TNG, Anne of Green Gable Series. I don't know how else to pass time right now. Those shows and movies are comforting ... they are my comfort movies and shows, ones that I watch when I'm feeling down. It's comfortable ...
13th doctor's appointment is coming up. I'm eager to find out what's going to happen. I have to go of course to translate and to ask the appropriate questions although she has done a lot of research on Korean websites. I can't wait to figure out what the real game plan is. I need some real answers. I am also eager to know if the CT scan will show any more tumors in her lungs. I hope that it has not spread anywhere else. Hope!
I hope I can fall asleep soon
--
Day 3
Pre - day 1: Wednesday
I couldn't go to sleep for some reason. I tossed and turned all night. Of course I didn't know why but I have to wonder if I knew somehow subconsciously or divinely or randomly that I was about to get some horrifying news
Day 1: Thursday
I take my mom to the hospital to act as a translator between the white doctor and her regarding her biopsy of a mass they found in her nose. There was nothing to prepare me nor her for the news: Nasopharyngeal Carcinoma - cancer. She looks at me for a second and says "WHAT?" I clearly haven't processed the news because I look at her and say "its cancer" as if I'm telling her what time it was or what I ate for lunch.
The doctor who is a 1st or 2nd year resident is trying to explain to us that it is not a death sentence, that she needs radiation and chemo and another CT scan to make sure that it has not metastasized - or spread, that she has over 80% to be cured (put delicately as it means % to live and not die) over a 5 year span at this point unless the CT scan shows more tumors.
I'm composed, I ask questions - how long is the treatment, what's the next step, what does she need to do. I don't remember some of the answers he gave me even though I feel like I paid a lot of attention.
After about 20 minutes after the news is given to us, I start panicking. Of course I can't show tears or any kind of alarm in front of her. I merely tell her, "this is pretty scary." She of course can't show that she's weak so she tells me, "what's so scary, its not like i'm going to die tomorrow - everyone who is born, dies."
I just nod my head and desperately try to keep a straight face.
We get in the car and now it looks like she's having a hard time holding back her tears ... she has to have been panicking. It's every day that someone tells you that you have cancer and on top of that, give you some average percentage of the possibility of you living past 5 years. Death is much closer than you thought and how can you not panic?
I come home ... I don't even know what to say or do. She goes back to work ... probably best that she has something to do. I start my research on google.com. I'd rather know than not know. I clean things so she doesn't have to clean but probably more because I don't know what else to do. I watch my tv shows and I'm able to forget just for moments.
Day 2 - Friday
I wake up ... she has already gone to work early in the morning. I get up and I'm doing the same thing I did yesterday afternoon. I don't know what to do with myself.
She comes home around 2pm after work. She's watching her tv shows and we're all just in our rooms doing the same ol things. I don't know what to say. I don't even know how to look at her without bursting into tears. It's like we're almost pretending that we don't know.
He (dad) comes into my room at 10pm in tears. He says he doesn't know what to do. He says he can't let her see him like this because he has to give her strength, not sorrow.
Aunt calls later that night, wakes her up. She talks with her.
Later, they tell me of their future plans, possible plans and asks for my opinion regarding treatment. She doesn't want to get chemo or radiation because of how weak it'll make her. She wants to go to Korea as planned instead of starting treatment immediately. It looks like she'll be changing her mind soon however and I am thankful for that.
Day 3 - Saturday
We get our first sympathy visitor. I don't say that in a mean or condescending way. It is what it is. My uncle and aunt - my dad's brother. My mom doesn't have any brothers or sisters in CA. I did tell her sister in NY though through my bff cousin. I hope she comes and visits soon and gives my mom some comfort.
Aunt and uncle come and gives natural fruits from their garden ... they are big proponents of naturally grown food with no artifical preservatives or any chemicals. They start talking to me about how difficult its going to be but how I have to be strong and cheerful. I have to believe that its going to be ok and that she's going to beat it just fine.
This is what its like to have a cancer patient in the family.
And the day is not over yet ...
--
I couldn't go to sleep for some reason. I tossed and turned all night. Of course I didn't know why but I have to wonder if I knew somehow subconsciously or divinely or randomly that I was about to get some horrifying news
Day 1: Thursday
I take my mom to the hospital to act as a translator between the white doctor and her regarding her biopsy of a mass they found in her nose. There was nothing to prepare me nor her for the news: Nasopharyngeal Carcinoma - cancer. She looks at me for a second and says "WHAT?" I clearly haven't processed the news because I look at her and say "its cancer" as if I'm telling her what time it was or what I ate for lunch.
The doctor who is a 1st or 2nd year resident is trying to explain to us that it is not a death sentence, that she needs radiation and chemo and another CT scan to make sure that it has not metastasized - or spread, that she has over 80% to be cured (put delicately as it means % to live and not die) over a 5 year span at this point unless the CT scan shows more tumors.
I'm composed, I ask questions - how long is the treatment, what's the next step, what does she need to do. I don't remember some of the answers he gave me even though I feel like I paid a lot of attention.
After about 20 minutes after the news is given to us, I start panicking. Of course I can't show tears or any kind of alarm in front of her. I merely tell her, "this is pretty scary." She of course can't show that she's weak so she tells me, "what's so scary, its not like i'm going to die tomorrow - everyone who is born, dies."
I just nod my head and desperately try to keep a straight face.
We get in the car and now it looks like she's having a hard time holding back her tears ... she has to have been panicking. It's every day that someone tells you that you have cancer and on top of that, give you some average percentage of the possibility of you living past 5 years. Death is much closer than you thought and how can you not panic?
I come home ... I don't even know what to say or do. She goes back to work ... probably best that she has something to do. I start my research on google.com. I'd rather know than not know. I clean things so she doesn't have to clean but probably more because I don't know what else to do. I watch my tv shows and I'm able to forget just for moments.
Day 2 - Friday
I wake up ... she has already gone to work early in the morning. I get up and I'm doing the same thing I did yesterday afternoon. I don't know what to do with myself.
She comes home around 2pm after work. She's watching her tv shows and we're all just in our rooms doing the same ol things. I don't know what to say. I don't even know how to look at her without bursting into tears. It's like we're almost pretending that we don't know.
He (dad) comes into my room at 10pm in tears. He says he doesn't know what to do. He says he can't let her see him like this because he has to give her strength, not sorrow.
Aunt calls later that night, wakes her up. She talks with her.
Later, they tell me of their future plans, possible plans and asks for my opinion regarding treatment. She doesn't want to get chemo or radiation because of how weak it'll make her. She wants to go to Korea as planned instead of starting treatment immediately. It looks like she'll be changing her mind soon however and I am thankful for that.
Day 3 - Saturday
We get our first sympathy visitor. I don't say that in a mean or condescending way. It is what it is. My uncle and aunt - my dad's brother. My mom doesn't have any brothers or sisters in CA. I did tell her sister in NY though through my bff cousin. I hope she comes and visits soon and gives my mom some comfort.
Aunt and uncle come and gives natural fruits from their garden ... they are big proponents of naturally grown food with no artifical preservatives or any chemicals. They start talking to me about how difficult its going to be but how I have to be strong and cheerful. I have to believe that its going to be ok and that she's going to beat it just fine.
This is what its like to have a cancer patient in the family.
And the day is not over yet ...
--
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Back from Europe
I am back from Europe ... I will be posting more about my experiences and thoughts and pictures of course. But I'm trying to recover from sickness and I am having more fun lying in bed and doing nothing but eating mother's awesome food and watching fun korean dramas and such.
So, in the meantime, I will leave you with this:
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U.S. vs Stevens (08-769)
This one is an interesting case. Apparently, it would be only the second time the Supreme Court has identified a form of speech undeserving of protection by the First Amendment if the law (designed to stop the sale and marketing of videos showing dog fights and other acts of animal cruelty) is upheld. (The last time was in 1982 with the ban of child pornography).
The arguments are as follows:
Stevens: Convicted of selling videos through his "Dogs of Velvet and Steel" business back in around 2004. He was charged with violating the interstate commerce laws by selling depictions o animal cruelty and was later sentenced to 37 months in prison. He appeals.
State: The state must act in order to protect and stop animal cruelty.
Controversy: The law is too broad. The first amendment guarantees freedom of speech and when the government is trying to restrict the actual content of the speech, it must meet a very high standard to prove that the restriction of speech is compelling and necessary.
It is argued that the law is too broad, that it encompasses speech that is within the protected speech. For example, organizations and proponents against animal cruelty show documentations and videos of animal cruelty. Is this not allowed? Should it be allowed?
A.K.: I find this case very fascinating since I really enjoy Constitutional Law. While I think that animal cruelty should be banned, its really tricky for Congress to make a law that is not broad and ban only those depictions of animal cruelty that is for pleasure. Who's to say that a particular depiction of cruelty is for pleasure or for a acceptable purpose.
I'm eager to see what the court decide in the next couple of months.
For more information (or the website I took all this information from): http://www.cnn.com/2009/CRIME/10/06/scotus.dogfighting/index.html
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The arguments are as follows:
Stevens: Convicted of selling videos through his "Dogs of Velvet and Steel" business back in around 2004. He was charged with violating the interstate commerce laws by selling depictions o animal cruelty and was later sentenced to 37 months in prison. He appeals.
State: The state must act in order to protect and stop animal cruelty.
Controversy: The law is too broad. The first amendment guarantees freedom of speech and when the government is trying to restrict the actual content of the speech, it must meet a very high standard to prove that the restriction of speech is compelling and necessary.
It is argued that the law is too broad, that it encompasses speech that is within the protected speech. For example, organizations and proponents against animal cruelty show documentations and videos of animal cruelty. Is this not allowed? Should it be allowed?
A.K.: I find this case very fascinating since I really enjoy Constitutional Law. While I think that animal cruelty should be banned, its really tricky for Congress to make a law that is not broad and ban only those depictions of animal cruelty that is for pleasure. Who's to say that a particular depiction of cruelty is for pleasure or for a acceptable purpose.
I'm eager to see what the court decide in the next couple of months.
For more information (or the website I took all this information from): http://www.cnn.com/2009/CRIME/10/06/scotus.dogfighting/index.html
--
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