It's traditional to make a new years resolution so I think I'll attempt once again. Usually, I'm trying to hash one out the night of new years instead of partying, but this year, I sort of partied instead. Sort of! Anyways, here are some thoughts and it will probably just be a whole brain storm of ideas, resolutions, resolves, etc ~! Hence the title!
2008 went by incredibly fast. It only feels like yesterday that it was summer. I remember summer quite distinctly as quite a bit of drama happened. It was bad while going through it but it turned out ok in the end. I have to keep reminding myself that it all works out in the end. Stop freaking out so much. Not sure how effective this self-reassurance is when shit hits the storm however!
2009 is a big year for me. I am fearful. I honestly am. But this does not mean that I am a coward. At least I hope I am not a coward. I graduate law school this year. It only seems like the other day when I started law school all wide-eyed, naive, ambitious, and ready to change the world. This is not so any longer. Except for the naive part. Last semester of law school begins on the 12th of January 2009. I am voluntarily taking 7 classes because I am insane - no, its only partly because I am insane. I'm doing it in hopes that they will help me pass the bar that I will be taking in July this year.
I am a person who needs much control and structure in my life. I can't help it. I'm not one to just "go with the flow" no matter how much I try. Ok. Sometimes I can but I have to take deep breaths and repeatedly tell myself that everything is ok and to just "go with the flow." Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't and I get upset. I'm working on it!
After the bar in July, I feel like my life can almost start to begin. I keep saying this, but there's just something about being in school that makes you feel like you're still a kid waiting for your life to happen; to start. Whether its because you have no income (that does not come from your student loans), or the fact that your life revolves around finals and midterms and etc - you just don't feel like you're really living. Being in school right now makes me feel like I'm still 18 years old, in college ... goofing off with friends, getting crazy intoxicated with substance, ditching school and then attempting to pull all-nighters during finals. Grown up don't do that - do they? I've never properly really thought about marriage, and children and having a family. I come home during summer or winter vacation and just play video games then eat & sleep ... for weeks. I feel like a little kid. I am a little kid!
So the prospect of having to change this lifestyle, forced into the real world terrifies me. You probably think this is all sounding silly, but I can't help the way I feel. This is the only real world that I've ever known. I mean of course the bar scares me, the economy scares me because jobs are scarce. At least the real estate market is awesome because I really want to buy something when/if I get some money. But the scariest part - I have no idea that I'm going to be doing in about 10 months. I envy you who have jobs already or have job offers. I have nothing. I don't know what I'll be doing, where I'll be living, how much money I'm going to make, if I'm even going to be making money at that time? Will I even be a lawyer?
It's okay to be scared, right? That's what I've been told. How can you not be scared of the unknown. I'm probably more scared because I'm such a control freak in need of structure and I get none of that this year. I should just listen to my mother and marry someone rich! :) Just kidding.
In any case, 2009 really does have some great huge things happening. Not only the graduation and the CA bar, but also my cousin's wedding, several big events that I'm helping to put on this year, my youngest sister finally graduating highschool (yes, she's only 17) are at the top of the list + all those unexpected events just waiting to happen.
Would anyone like to fund a trip for me to go somewhere outside of US after the bar exam in July? I would be eternally grateful!
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